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Breaking the cycle
Since a young girl I have loved babies and children and always dreamed of growing up and becoming a mum and having a little family for the first time. I longed and still do to this day to be apart of and know what a family home environment feels. 

I always told myself id break the cycle and do better than what I was raised in as a little girl. 

An alcoholic absent mother that acts like I don't even exist, the worst part was that from as  long as I can remember she singled me out  and was extra nasty and hateful to me than she was to my siblings. All I ever craved was her to acknowledge me and it took me until I was 18 to realise never ever will she love me and I my childhood was spent wondering what I did wrong or what was wrong with me? 

Having gone through such a horrible heartbreaking childhood and instead of enjoying being a kid and feeling like I was loved or even wanted by the person who brought me into the world , I was a very sad scared hurt little girl that had walls up and always felt I wasn't worthy.

I knew because of all the trauma and heartache that when I became a mother I'd make sure my children had no doubt they were loved and that I'd be every thing my mother WASNT for me. 

I couldn't wait to grow up and start a family for myself and have that feeling of belonging for the first time and knowing I was important to someone.

So fast forward to 22 without all the details but I'd mentioned  to my doc I was just wanting to see for piece of  if I was able to have children as a few things had made me question this .

So just did the general things and tests that can be done without going to far into the test just yet as I wasn't planning on having a child then I just wanted to have a piece of mind after all it was the things I'd longed for and dreamt about especially when I felt so alone and it was the only thing that  made me think maybe there was going to be a day where I had a purpose or was something or someone.

Then my whole life got crambled when I was told that my tests where coming back with the news no female thinks that they'd be the girl that couldn't have kids. 

It rocked my whole world 

Fast forward 4 miserable long years of now going through a dark depressing years not wanting to wake up everyday letting myself go and having no drive watching my siblings have babies and start their families i was at rock bottom, just wanting to be put out of my misery.

Somehow someway an absolute miracle happened I found out I was pregnant I was so shocked and scared and in denial but also scared it was going to be over before it even began I think I stayed in disbelief and didn't tell anyone besides the father. I held off in fear for ages scared to get disappointed.

I couldn't put it off anymore and went to the doctor and was estimated to be about 18 weeks along and before I knew it I was at the 20 week ultra sound seeing my little girl moving in my belly with tears pouring down my face so many emotions that I couldn't even speak.

I was determined to get myself out of the dark whole I let myself get into but I was pretty deep in.

My little girl is now 9 months old and I've given her everything I can and done alot of work to get where we are today but I still feel like Ive failed her and let her down. 

 I don't have family or anyone guenine in my life to ask for a hand or to get advice or just to have someone I know cares about me emotionally.

Im doing what I can to try and get a way to just give me that fire lighter that kickstarter to help me get back up out of this whole I just feel like there is a barrier I can't get through that little hurdle I just need a boost to get over 

I don't have a car nor do I have any savings to be able to enjoy my baby and really get to enjoy this crazy angel that I was gifted. I was so ready to throw the towel in I lost myself along with everything else with it
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Hi DonorOfBenevolence I am 27 and from Melbourne, Victoria, Australia.

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