My whole world is gone, please help me keep going

[HelpRickFindHappiness]

Where to begin? I am the youngest of 2 kids that my Mom and Dad have, my sister is 5 years older and she’s is now 42. I have always been different, little did I know it was mainly because I was born in New Bern, NC. I am gay! Of all the things you did not want to be growing up here, this is the it! I am 38, never had a boyfriend, never experience love other than my one true love, my Mother. Her and I were inseparable, if you saw me you saw her. August 15th, 2017 I get a call from my father, Mom was found in the bathroom been there for 3 hours couldn’t get up. I had noticed several personality changes in her in the last 7 months but my family does not listen to me and the ignore my every attempt that something is wrong with my Mom. Back to the fall, it is almost a month before my Moms 61st Birthday. She has always been full of energy, besides having polio when she was little she is the picture of health, never smoke, never drank, cleans houses for a living, mostly doctors and she loves it so much. Little could we imagine that her dr. Would be a man that she has cleaned for for years and the head  of oncology here in New Bern. My mom had a stroke for sure, I beg them to do an MRI of her head or at least a CT and to please do blood work, as they were gonna just bandage her up and send her home. I tell them of her personality changes over the past few months, but dad makes it seem as though I am just dramatic. My mom never has been one to go to dr’s for one she is healthy, and 2 she also is terrified her whole  life she is gonna have something major and die. CT comes back that there are several infractions or possible lesions on the brain and something else on her skull bones but hard to tell. The admit us. I fight and beg and plead with God, doctors, the IV pole over next 2 weeks, out of 206 bones I think maybe 10 did not have cancer, primary lung cancer, never smoked a day in her life, another primary, Colon,another primary, kidney. She has watermelon size tumors down her spine, they are wrapped in her skull and now thanks to a lovely test called a TEE the source of her strokes, not only is she in a-fib, she has a rare disorder called Libman Sachs, instead of being caused by a long standing infection and vegetation, the advanced cancer everywhere has caused her heart valve to grow tumors and they will not close, the are regurgitating blood and fire off stroke after stroke within 2 weeks my mother is brain dead and seizing so much she is bitting off her tongue as they give her more morphine than I thought was humanly possible for comfort care as we go through 14 hours awaiting her last breath.
Back to me growing up, I never was accepted by the men in the family as I did not hunt, fish ect. I  played the piano and I don’t brag a lot cause I have no self confidence but I was the damn bomb. I had a god given talent to play. I spent all 38 years of my life attached to my mothers hip. I had always told my sister and few friends I had that I could live without anything, anything but my mother. She was my mom but she was also my whole world, my protector, my best friend. I still lived with her and my dad and thank God cause due to her decline I had taken care of her and my 91 year  old grandfather, my dad’s father, which strangely enough died 5 dies before my mom.  My mom was 61, she died august 29th, 2017 just 2 weeks after falling and entering the hospital, she died exactly 1 month from the day she was born, sept 29th. My parents 44th anniversary would’ve been 2 days after her death.
I have worked in medical field doing prosthetics for over 13 years. I have no job now, I have no joy,  I have nothing. I am living with my father, but he is ready to date and this is house is all  I have, I can show you  pictures of the wreaths and decorations and tchristmas trees I do and have done over the years, this house means everything to me, I know my dad is going to make me leave or either he will move and selll it. Although I am not suicidal as of yet, I definitely understand it as an option. God. Could have had anything he wanted even me, all my money, made me blind, the only thing I could not live without, my mother, was the 1 thing that was taken from me and now I don’t even have the desire to get up in the mornings, but I do and work my ass off around here, taking care of this yard, my moms birds and 19 hummingbird feeders. She always wanted me to be happy, to find love, to have what everyone else has. My dad hates who I am and will never ever accept it much less never let me have a BFF or anything more. I wish I knew what it was liked to be loved like that. I knew of a love so deep and pure and never shaking, it could never be broken, well only by death. My mom was my best friend and my world. I love to shop and to decorate and to clean house and most of all I love to care for others as I do for my whole family as I have done my whole life. Now I am without a job, no  money, without my mother, my health is bad as I was diagnosed with babesiosis from a tick bite and I have no prospects or desires to leave the house right now. I know it’s wrong to ask but I just want to provide for me and my dog and keep up this house and the fish pond and the birds and myself, but I can no longer do that. I need help, My mom always said if anyone in the family wins the lottery I hope its not you (talking about me) cause I would give it all away to everyone to help them all out, just as I have done my whole. Life. I want to be happy if there is such a thing anymore, I would love to find true love or at least someone who can pretend to show me what its like to have someone love you and care about you. I am so alone, so lonely that my soul aches literally. I can not bare the pain of my mother anymore and to make it worse I feel worthless, I have no money, and I am battling this tick bite disease which is very rough. I would love to be able to open up my own place one day, make my wreaths and do decorating, have a bakery like mom and I always wanted.  But for now I just want to be able to buy my self some soap and deodorant, to buy for my dog, which my mom got me 3 moths before her death after my 14 year old doggie died.
I still hold out some hope, but my heart which was never whole to begin with, is now non-exstitent, so sad because I have so much to  give someone. I pray that if no one can help me that I will soon go the same way and maybe be with my Mom again.
If you can find it in your heart,please help  me out.I deserve happiness, i deserve to to be treated like I am a human being,  like its not the most disgusting thing in the world to be who I am. I deserve love and happiness but I know that those things are just fantasies, they are attainable, but never for me. I wish that someone could see what I really am, the most kind ,caring loving person who would do anything and has done that only to be hurt, stepped on and abused.
I can only hope that until I can be with my mother again that someone will have the heart and the funds to help me out. I can provide all the proof, through pictures, documents, whatever
 
I hate to sound so  lame, but I am literally at my end, I really need this help. I just want what everyone else takes for granted, to be able to buy the things I need and maybe a couple that I want and to also find the love and happiness that others take for granted. If you can find it in our heart to help me out at all, here is my paypal me  page to make those donations.
 
I am also willing to give you more info if you can really help me out. My email is ricki2u2003@gmail.com

here is my paypal me page for donations

paypal.me/helpRickFindHappines

Also, please note that I have worked my whole life and it devastated to leave my job of 13 years but I really cant even make it through the days anymore I am not lazy I am just completely broken. Just as my mother did, I have spent my whole life doing for everyone else, I can only hope that karma is in fact real and it is headed back my way or I feat for what lies Ahead for me.
Thank you again for anything you can do, I would love to never worry about money again and I know this is unrealistic but at least I hope that people will shoe me the love and compassion have shown others my whole life. If you can do nothing else, please pray for me to find someone, to find peace, to find love and to ultimately find happiness.
My goal is to ultimately be able to take care of myself, make my mother proud and open up a craft store/bakery or even open up a bed and breakfast (this is more a fantasy but I would love that) and also to have lots of money so that I could help out lots of others I sweat on my moms life I would love to also find someone and be happy and know what really love is.  I wil do whatever but hoping to get around 500,000.00
Her is my paypal donation page again
paypal.me/helpRickFindHappines
Sincerley
Rick Smith

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