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Mental Illness Took My Best Friend Away From Me.
I feel a bit weird sending this. I'm not honestly even sure if it's real. 

However, my situation is very complicated. I will do my best to keep it short. Everything is intertwined and well, I'll just start. 

Mental illness controls my life, even before I even knew I had one. Being emotionally and verbally abused as a child led me to constantly use destructive coping mechanisms to deal with never being able to be enough for anyone, but always having so much love to give. 

My eating disorder, Borderline, and upcoming Bipolar disorder along with anxiety and tendencies of OCD were controlling my every move. 

It was when I was a shy 16 year old that I went to a football game with my best friend who was supposed to meet a boy there. We walked up, this boy and I locked eyes and my whole life changed. It was like meeting someone I had been in love with for years and never knew it. I always tell people that I have loved this boy in lifetimes before this and lifetimes after this. It's very hard to describe a love like this. The closest thing I can relate it to is Bridges of Madison County, as cheesy as that sounds.

We didn't know, but his Acute Bipolar was about to make it's debut- 6 months into us dating. When I say he gets sick or goes manic- I mean he goes psychotic. His mannerisms change, his voice changes, his eyes change. He is the type of crazy that people literally run away from. I can show you photos to explain better if you'd like. He is also an addict, which did not help the bipolar. And so for the upcoming 9 years - I live in partial fear that this illness will steal my best friend away from me for what can be months at a time. 

Well, rewind to this past February. We finally get engaged. It's been a rough, intense, happy, sad, joyful, hopeless, wonderful 8.5 years. And then he decided to go off medication. I still don't know why. He got sicker than I have. ever. seen him get. 
And this time his mania was focused on me. He was convinced we were not together. He changed his number while I was being treated for depression in the psych ward. He blocked me on social media. He basically abandoned me. And ended up cheating on me, which even though hypersexuality is a symptom of mania- I've never been even close to considered he would sleep with someone else. 

I always had these really intense nightmares where he'd get sick, cheat on me, leave me, and basically forget he loved me. My nightmare came true- 3 months before we were supposed to get married (on September 10). I didn't know stress could affect the body that way. I developed a tremor so bad i looked like I had tourettes or parkinsis. I was severely underweight. I was drinking and doing drugs just to get through the day. The sicker he got, the worse I got. I really thought this time the mania was so bad he'd never come back to me. 

But he did. He finally agreed to see me after stabalizing. And I was so full of anger waiting in that parking lot. But when that damn boy got out of his car. I couldnt be angry anymore. He was him again. He wasn't moving too fast. Talking too fast. His eyes were sad, but they were his. And he remembered me. And his love for me. I dropped my purse and I just ran. He finally came back to me. Things were so broken, but that love that we had when we were 16 meeting for the first time was still there. 

It's been very hard for both of us to find jobs that allow us to be financially independent bc with my own mental illnesses, and especially with his, there are times when we can function normally, but then there are times when we physically can't. I get scared we will never be "adults" - in the financial aspect anyway. 

So, that's one reason I'm asking for money. I'd like something to build a life on. 

But also, my parents lost over 30 grand in wedding plans and I blew all of my money this summer so they are paying for everything right now. I'm in debt bc I use my credit card bc I don't want to ask for money. And I have a job, but it's just a cycle of spending it, paying the card back, having no money, spending it again, and repeat. I am in school from 845-745 monday wednesday friday and I work thursdays, sat, and sundays. 

I'm dealing with just so much guilt, sadness, loss, anger, hopelessness, regret, and I'm just really tired of disappointing my parents right now. 

I'd like to help give Eric some hope that things are going to be okay, that we can be adults bc his depression is getting the better of him right now, as well. 

I'd like to send you some photos and a video that explains eric and i. It'll help explain a bit more. 

I attached a letter that I wrote when I knew Eric started getting sick this past spring.

If this is real, thanks for listening.
Warmest Regards,

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