10-14-2018, 11:45 AM
Well here goes...I don't even know where to begin....I took care of myself and my children for a long time until my second child's father came home from jail. I wanted to be loved so bad that I did whatever he did. I have him whatever I made. Anything I could do to keep him around I did it. It didn't matter that he would bring woman into my home while I was asleep or that he would hit me so hard I would have to lie to the doctors to get my notes for work. They would always ask but I always said I fell or opened a cupboard to fast. By the time he moved on to destroy the money one I was so empty and ruined inside that I continued using. I lost my jobs and apartment and me and the kids ended up at my dad's. I found another job though and was able to look good enough for family to help me out with a place agian but that only lasted a few months. Agian back at my dad's. It had gotton so bad I would stay and Chase just one more hit and then I'll go home. They were already alone at this point...my father goes to work at 5am and typically assumes I'm there. The sitter I had kept catching the kids alone. One day though , one day I didn't return until 5pm. They were gone by the time I got home. I couldn't breathe. My heart stopped. I kept looking in closets knowing they were gone. When I charged my phone up the sitter left a message saying she had warned me and she got there once again they were outside riding bikes and that she had them. I couldn't face anything...I was scared of the trouble I was in...I was scared of what was going to happen I was scared to have to face those children when they knew that I was a scumbag. They were 6 and 7 now and far from stupid. I took off for three more days I couldn't deal with this. No one knew I had come home though. I stayed out for three more days and didn't whisper a word of what happened. I just got high sand messed up as I could hoping I would never have to face the reality. But I did. I went to a 29 day. It didn't take. I was out covering the pain I had caused those children with my own selfish self. Until one day I stood on the street after months of running...staying in abandoned houses and project hallways...sold my car...sold myself...robbed and lied...I good there and I called my mother and begged her telling her that if she picked me up one last time I would go to any rehab of her choice in the morning and that is exactly what I did. First thing I went to a detox in Rochester and from there I went to gowanda 29 day....I knew it wasn't enough and I decided to go to a year long woman's program. I did and I loved it. I was seeing the kids it was like everything was going to be alright. When I got out I had to continue along with family court. I didn't have just a childs father against me it was the two father ...the two grandmothers...the sitter...cps...and the children's lawyers...and then me....I was strong at first but as time went by I let them beat me down and eventually I was out using again. I tried over and over through the years to see them but he way the visitation agreement was set up all parties had to agree on the visit and they never agreed so I never saw my kids agian. Except in passing at Wal-Mart during the holidays. They never saw me though. It was all my doing I couldn't cry now. I had loved crack more than those children. I went on I got involved in another abusive relationship then another. I married the third in 2009..even though it was only verbal his time. I left him less than a year later. It was February 2010 when I met noel. I loved him so much it hurt. With in 3 months he tarted hitting me. Within 6 we were living with my dad. Within 10 I was pregnant. Mind you I was using with him. We got our own place only to wind up back at my dad's. And why would I have a child when I couldn't get back the two I already had. It was bound to happen. And it did. She was 2 and a half when they took her. Not the same as before but the past didn't help. He took off somewhere too...no idea where. I didn't know how I could go on except turning to alcohol and pills this time. He was the worst though I woke up in hospitals time after time with his beatings but I couldn't let go. There is a lot to all this I didn't include it would of been novel. Today I talk to my older children. Today I live alone. Today I am in family court going for custody of my daughter. Today I am strong. Today I am sober. 2 and a half years now. But this is why I write. I am trying so hard now. I continue to do the right things. Yet I keep getting pulled back further and further. I am waiting on a social security disability case appeal now that I am fully disabled...mental and physical. I try to work and I become depressed or my body gives on me. With all this being said I am ready to take the next step of inviting my older kids or dinner. But my table is a garbage find with one chair and my couch is a futon that just bottomed out. I need help to get some new ones. It might sound petty but after everything I have been through and to come out on top I go to church weekly and these little things come up and test me. And this is just one of them. So I ask kindly for any help I am get.
Thank you
Jennifer Merritt
Thank you
Jennifer Merritt