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+--- Thread: In Despair and Suicidal (/showthread.php?tid=34517)
In Despair and Suicidal - Lindysue - 07-19-2019
I was a Homemaker, A great wife and a great Mother. I did all the old fashioned tasks like Baking, Sewing, Knitting, Cooking, Cleaning, School Runs etc. 9 years ago I left my husband, after almost 30 years of marriage, but only when I was certain my only daughter was safely away in college and not in need of me anymore. At that time I was heavily depressed which skewed my view on my marriage and caused me to make the wrong decision of leaving him and the family home. As a result my husband divorced me and both he and my daughter ostracised me and still to this day won’t communicate with me or help me in any way.
Shortly after my divorce, our family home was sold and I received half of the sale price, which was not very much as the country try was in deep recession and the housing market had dropped considerably. I still had enough to buy a very small apartment but unfortunately while I was looking for the right place, I met, what I thought at the time, a charming business man who offered me the opportunity of investing in various projects which would bring in more than I needed to buy a decent apartment, renew my medical insurance (which I had to forfeit with my divorce) and of course, run a car. For this I left my Country, temporarily but I never got to return. Needless to say, no business deals ever happened and this man cheated me out of every cent I had and when all my capitol was used up, abandoned me. Over the years I discovered that this man is a psychopath, others noticed it but unfortunately I didn’t, until it was too late.
So, here I am, left on my own in a foreign, hostile country with nothing. I don’t qualify for any kind of welfare and cannot visit the local hospital without paying a nominal fee up front. I have just turned 60 this year and with that am accumulating various ailments, thankfully most of them small but I still have to deal with anything on my own as I don’t have funds for doctors fees or any medication. Also 3 years ago I lost most of the sight in one of my eyes but luckily enough the eye, from an aesthetic point of view, still looks perfect. When given the opportunity I can still sew and do crafts using a desktop magnifying glass, so it hasn’t hindered my creativity. I used to be able to look after myself very well, always dressed well, had great teeth and hair but now everything has changed to the point that even some of my back teeth are breaking and causing a lot of pain but visiting a dentist isn’t possible and I don’t have money to buy pain killers.
I have a very small token income from my Ex which is not enough to pay rent and buy food. I no longer have a car or medical insurance. I have nothing, I own nothing. I have no assets. I don’t have any friends here as I don’t have the money to socialise anymore. Sometimes I don't have money for food or it’s a choice between food or non-food items like toothpaste etc. Under my circumstances I cannot afford to leave the room I 'exist' in.
My Mother died 3 years ago with Alzheimer’s so fortunately she never knew what was happening all the time I was going through my divorce etc. I didn’t tell her as it wouldn’t have made any difference, possibly it would have upset her momentarily so there was no point. I think if she could see me now, she would turn in her grave and would not believe the conditions I’m living under, it would be too hard for her to conceive.
I am a real person, I’m not a bad person and I will still go out of my way to help anyone I see in trouble. I believe I can still be of use in this world. In the words of the Dalai Lama ‘if you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito’. but still my sense of despair overwhelms me each and every day. I sleep very badly but when I wake the gloom & doom of my existence weighs too much and my thoughts always turn to suicide. How will I do it? I don’t have the money for pills or alcohol, I throw up at the sight of blood and I know I would botch a hanging. Also, although I have an estranged daughter, she is my next of kin and would have to deal with my mess. I can’t do that to her. I love her so much and think about her all the time. As it is, I’m worried that when I die, she is going to have to take care of the funeral and she has enough financial worries of her own to think about.
Like I said, I am a real person, I’m sure there are lots of people out there looking for assistance all the time, some real and some not but if anyone wants to check me out, I will go to any lengths, of their choice, to prove that I am here and I am in this desperate situation. I hope somebody, somewhere reads this narrative and on a humanitarian basis helps me out. Any suggestions would be appreciated but obviously any funds would be greatly appreciated. I don’t mean to sound childish but ‘I just want to go home’ and start living again instead of barely existing like a caged animal in this lonely, hostile country. I have lost everything but I still have my dignity. Even if you are just reading this, I thank you.
PayPal.me/Lindysue77